Hello and welcome to my new blog. I am a gay person, and I can't help seeing that every professing Christian claims to love us, but only some actually bother to speak to us kindly--as if we are loved. So I thought I could tell the people who actually do love us, how to love us. Or rather, how to actually put that love into action.
I know many people feel compelled to say something to their gay loved one about his or her "lifestyle." (We absolutely can't stand that word, for reasons I don't have room for here.) I have been anti-gay before, and I know how terrifying it is to hold such beliefs. I try to be fair to those who have good intentions, for that reason.
BUT you should know that you are not the only one in pain. I have been on both sides of this divide, and I am here to tell you that it is worse for those who are gay. I was raised to be disgusted by what I later found out I was. It is especially painful when gentler Christians let their angry brothers and sisters go unchallenged, just because the people they are clearly hurting or insulting are sinners. You don't have to agree with homosexuality, to defend our dignity as human beings beloved by God.
If there was a falling-out, after a coming-out, you're not the only one suffering. You may have even hurt your loved one before they came out. The damage could be severe, depending on how you described homosexuals before you knew . You may not even remember what you said. But they do. Harsh words always echo.
You may feel compelled to say something to them, now, about their homosexuality. And I could not stop you, so I won't try. But there are better and worse ways to handle this subject, and that is what we are going to be discussing today.
When you oppose someone's love or future love, there is really no way not to hurt them. But don't let that make you apathetic. There are ways to reduce the hurt, though you will not be able to entirely eliminate it without changing your anti-gay beliefs. But since you probably love this person, you will want to cause as little hurt as you can, even if you feel bound by your beliefs.
I pray for a world in which no one has to be hurt. I pray that you will someday discover that you don't have to cause pain to us. (And sadly, yes, your beliefs do cause pain.) But until then, listen to this gay person about what hurts gay people--and do as little of it as possible.
I will have more specific suggestions soon, but the most important things to remember are empathy and honesty.
By empathy, I mean that you must mentally put yourself in our shoes as much as you can. How would you like to be approached by someone who genuinely thinks you're sinning? (Thinks you're sinning--whether you are or not.)
Would you like to be "confronted," as a friend of mine had it described it him? ("I must confront you about your lifestyle.") Or would you like to be approached softly? ("Can I talk to you about something that concerns me?") Remember, you can always be confrontational later, if you really feel you must. But if you're not kind first, by the time you get to being kind, it's too late.
And by honesty, I mean emotional honesty. Anyone can say, "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve," but it takes real guts to say, "You know what I believe, and I am truly scared for you." Don't cover your fear with anger. Don't argue with us, right out of the gate--you can argue later, if you must. Have the courage to be vulnerable, and we may do the same. And all of this starts by having the courage to admit to yourself that you're scared for us.
(For more about telling the truth to yourself and others, see "Telling Yourself The Truth," and "Telling Each Other The Truth," both by William Backus. The first is only two dollars as a Kindle book. He is a Christian author, and his books are heavy on Scripture. He is also anti-gay himself, so you know I'm not trying to trick you. Back when I thought God wanted me to be anti-gay, these books changed my life. I believe they will improve all of your relationships--even the one with yourself.)
And please remember, these are not tactics designed to "trick" us into agreeing with you or becoming heterosexual. These are tools you can use to save or improve your relationship with us, which I presume is important to you. They can also help soften the blow of what you feel you must say.
But please know, if you believe that gay love is a sin, there is no way to soften the blow entirely. If you oppose our love, you will cause pain. But don't let that make you stop caring about your approach. If you truly love someone, you will want to hurt them as little as possible. Remember, you can always use whatever tactics you want later on. But be kind first.
